New Years Eve

Spent by myself with the kids. Mikey's gone out. A friend that said she'd come by didn't and didn't bother to contact me either. Not sure I care to invite her to anything again.

Had a mini bagel dogs, an apple & cheese tray, and a veggie tray. Pink champagne for me and sparkling red grape juice for the kids.

Its only quarter to 7 but I don't have the energy to stay up any more. Last night was Hellish but tomorrow should be awesome.

We're driving 3hrs north to a friend's house for lunch. Hopefully that helps.

I just want to know if you're okay.

I hate goodbyes

Especially when they're said in a rush in the way out the door at 4:30 in the morning.

Especially after heated words the night before.

Especially when you just want a kiss goodbye to know everything's going to be okay.

Especially when you cry yourself back to sleep after the door shuts and you can hear the car pull away.

Whether he's just leaving for the day or for months at a time.

I hate goodbyes.

Been a While

A lot has happened since the last post. My husband came back, we celebrated my son's 2nd birthday, and then we moved a few states away. Now we're in a house, partially settled, and trying to get back into our usual routine and get unpacked before Christmas comes.

My daughter is coming up on 5 in a short few months and so we're doing her party at the zoo. We got a year-long membership (that will pay for itself on our next visit!) and I have to book her party first week of January to ensure we get the day & time we want. It's a minimum of 10 persons for the party and a max of 24. I have the guest list already planned out and the party itself is going to run a few hundred dollars but it'll be the first one she really remembers so it'll be worth it.

Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.

I have lost 3 early-term pregnancies in the past 2yrs with a probable 4th. It doesn't make me sad. It doesn't mean you have to skirt your own pregnancy news around me. It just means that now is not the right time for one to stay.

That time my never come but I have 2 of the most wonderful/horrible children that anyone could ask for so I have come to terms with my losses. ♥

I cried the first time. It was right after I turned 21 and Jason was still really little. But then I took a breath, stepped outside myself, and started to believe that THAT PARTICULAR baby was meant for someone else and not me. The body is just a shell. It's what's in it that counts.

That soft, soul-filled nougat center. xD

I think it would take considerably longer for me to cope if it'd been after the first 10wks. After the doctor agrees it's viable. I could never imagine the way it feels to have a stillborn child. Those women that can move on are stronger than I am.

All of mine were after Jason. I had this ridiculously-strong drive to get pregnant directly after he was born and I was so scared it was because my body was nearing the end of it's time for babies.

The longest I've held a pregnancy in the... last 2yrs was about 7.5wks (wasn't completely certain). I've gotten a positive test 3x in the past 2yrs. All failed. It's exceedingly hard for me to even get pregnant. We've been "trying" for a year now.